Last week was the first anniversary of the passing of Annette, my close friend here in Qualicum Beach, who lived on the next street over. So now it’s a year later and I ask is this a short time or a long time? I’ve come to the conclusion that I feel the same now as I did then, and it feels like no time. No time. I said back then “I don’t really know what to do. So I guess I’ll just keep talking to her”.

And I do.

Everyone who leaves your life opens a subtle trail of loss that still connects you with that person. When you think of these people, miss them, and want to be with them, your heart journeys out along that trail to where they now are. – John O’Donohue

Shortly after we moved here, over 9 years ago, I was out for a walk in the neighbourhood and passed a couple walking their little dog. We greeted each other and the woman shone her wide smile at me and complimented me on the deep blue jacket I was wearing. We chatted for awhile, joked and laughed. There was something about her that attracted…some sense of joyousness and light that I have only recognized in a few. The next time we met and stopped to chat I blurted out “Do you want to go for coffee?”, and she said “Yes!”. It reminds me of how little kids are so quick to walk up to a new child and say “Do you want to play?” and they’re off and away. It doesn’t usually happen quite so fast with “grown ups”.

Well we too were off and away, and play we did. That was Annette.

Together we went on countless walks (the walkie talkies), sharing stories and talking about life’s challenges and pleasures. We visited at a favourite cafe in town, checked out the galleries and shops, explored our surroundings, drank endless cups of tea and got to know each other well. We shared books and garden flowers. Over the years we became close. We also got together a lot as couples, along with Scott and Kelly, neighbours from down the road. The six of us would gather for summer dinners in one of our gardens for great food, great conversation, great company, and lots of laughter. There were bigger parties for other neighbours and there were always lots of excuses to celebrate. Birthdays were a big deal, as were Solstice parties, Royal Wedding viewing, a New Year’s Eve party designed to get us all to bed by 10:00 (we celebrated New Year’s in Rio, a more reasonable time zone). For many years Annette and Graham would take their motor home up the coast and park it at the beach for the month of June and/or September. Close enough for what became a ritual day trip to go up and join them for a barbeque and beach hang out. There are so many happy memories.

How to describe Annette? As well as being the warm, fun-loving hostess or party guest, she was also a good friend to many people. Her circle of family and friends was large and she paid attention to and nurtured those relationships.

Watching her with others, whether friends or strangers, was like watching joy in motion. She brought light to others through a smile and genuine engagement. I noticed the way she would talk to people easily and with real attention. She seemed to know every shopkeeper in town and often stopped for a few words with people we’d pass on the walkways in town, the beach or the forest. People’s faces lit up as they responded to her warmth and words of kindness and encouragement, reflecting back that dazzling smile.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about why she had that affect on people but the simple answer is she just made you feel good! The light and joy that made a small part of this world better and happier, did not mean that she did not have her own struggles and challenges – not at all. She had experienced it all over the years, as we all do – the joy and the sorrow – and she was wise.

A friend described her, “She is…full of grace…tremendous grace”.

In December 2018, as Christmas approached, Annette became sick and all plans for Christmas were cancelled as she tried to recover. Right after the new year, she went for tests, saying, “I’m scheduled for tests on January 2, looking forward to the all clear – and then I can forge ahead into 2019 – I’m ready”.

So what happens when there is no “all clear”? Life changed for all time.

She was sick with cancer for 13 months, and she used to say “my cancer has been teaching me”. I’d respond with “your cancer is teaching me too”, and that’s true, my life also was transformed in all ways. Her lifelong spiritual path served her well as she became “palliative”, meaning medicine had nothing more, and she looked elsewhere for what would help her on the journey to the end. On our last visit I could see that she was totally ready to go, her body was done and she had come to the point where she was at peace with leaving this earth. We talked about that and said our good byes. Whatever happens next was beckoning.

She died on the morning of February 6th, 2020 at home surrounded by her children, two grown grandchildren and Graham, her husband of 30 years.

I was quiet in the Bunkie Studio at the time, one street away. I didn’t ask her for this, but yes I did see the signs before and at the moment of her passing, the second time this has happened in my life (see My Father), and I know that all is well.

She was with me for 8 years; we walked together for as long as she was meant to. We’re all just walking each other home, as Ram Das said. Eight years of living that friendship was a gift. A very precious gift in my life that I cherish forever.